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sleepy in montreal

2002-10-10 - 8:32 p.m.

I'm in Montreal now, and feeling... depressed. But for once, it's not about my life. I was actually in a good mood until the very tail end of the day, other than a short bout of anxiety right as I boarded the train. But it didn't last very long; I was able to bring my heart rate and breathing down quickly and enjoy the rest of the ride. I am a little concerned than anxiety can appear so suddenly, but perhaps I'm just having hypochondriac tendencies after reading a whole book about people with clinical depression.

I even managed to eat an exciting meal at a nice made-to-order-in-front-of-you pasta place on St. Dennis. I was actually going to grab something quick from Subway, but as I was waiting for the light to change I realized it would be a crime to eat at Subway in this corner of Montreal, surrounded by great food.

I only became depressed when I got back. The friend who I'm visiting is having medical issues. And the frustrating part is that no one is really sure what the problem is, except that it's serious. Today, he said, his doctor told him what sounded like bad news. And sitting there, in his livingroom, looking at each other and barely talking -- not knowing what to say -- I started to really feel the seriousness of the situation. It just seemed too incredible to be real before; I knew in my mind that it was bad, but in my heart I didn't know how to react, so I didn't. But looking at my friend now, seeing how his life has been changed in the past few months and knowing that more changes are to come, even if no one knows what they will be I felt sad, depressed.

Well, at lesat my body knows one defense mechanism -- depression makes me sleepy. Yawn... goodnight.

Now reading: "Unholy Ghost"

We try a new drug, a new combination
of drugs, and suddenly
I fall into my life again

like a vole picked up by a storm
then dropped three valleys
and two mountains away from home.

I can find my way back. -- Jane Kenyon