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intimacy

2002-10-04 - 1:40 a.m.

I'm not sure why, but I'm in a very emotional mood. I guess it's the letter from my friend who's moved away. It just reminded me how much I miss her. It was funny watching myself write the response; it took a lot of self-control to type out the words "I miss you". The urge to make it less personal by saying "we miss you" or "I miss you guys" is so great...

A couple of years back, my ex-girlfriend and I had a conversation, where I said that I know her pretty well -- we did date for a year and a half. And she said she feels that there's a lot of things about me she doesn't know or doesn't understand. I have so many barriers to opening up to other people emotionally -- even the people who are closest to me. And I fear it's only getting worse with age.

I spent so much time and effort as an adolescent actively shaping my "persona," changing how I acted based on what people perceive of me. And I made great strides; I developed the qualities that I value in myself, and others seem to value in me as well. And yet at the same time, it made it harder for me to admit to others how I feel. It was hard to admit to anything that was contrary to the platonic ideal I was striving towards, since clearly it was a mistake, to be corrected. I think this is responsible for many of my fears of intimacy.

Of course, the current "mistake" in my personality that I'd like to correct is in fact this fear. But maybe it's harder because I'm older, or maybe because fear is an emotion that's harder to control than any of the others, I seem to hardly be making any progress. I still can feel uncomfortable in crowded room, even if everyone in it is my friend. I still have trouble talking myself into calling someone up, to invite them out, to ask a question, or just to say hi. And I have trouble writing personal email.

The only thing that keeps me trying to conquer this fear, despite all of the failed attempts, is my other fear -- the fear of being alone, without close friends, without anyone to talk to. I guess part of the reason I've been prone to depression lately is because of just how close I feel to that state sometime. My gf moving out just emphasized the point that she's pretty much the only one I ever really talk to. And that's not saying that there aren't intimacy problems between us, as well.

Hmm... my Thursday night entries are usually happy; I wonder why I'm depressed today. Maybe I'm just tired... time to go to bed, in either case.