2002-09-28 - 11:12 a.m.
I had too much coffee yesterday, entirely by accident. I was having breakfast at Chester's in Berkeley, which is one of my absolute favorite places to eat, and had the waiter refill my yummy, but apparently strong, cup of coffee. I noticed something was wrong when my facial muscles failed to relax. And then at about 3 o'clock, I started feeling anxious and stressed out, for no good reason. Grr... sometimes I hate having dangerous addictions.
I was thinking about how I was feeling old earlier this week. I was watching these kids having fun at the dance club, and found myself wishing I was their age, young and carefree. And then the next day it struck me -- why the hell should *I* be feeling old? I'm not even 25 yet. What is is that these kids still have but I no longer do?
And still, in the back of my head, I think I know the answer. It has to do with worrying about my career. I spent an entire summer three years ago feeling young and carefree and having literally the time of my life. And then came the fall. And the realization that my graduate school work was going nowhere. No research was being done, no papers were being written. And that made me feel depressed. And ever since then, whenever I'm out doing something fun, there's this voice that comes and visits, telling me: "this is not what's important in your life."
It all comes down to a sense of purpose. I want to be able to look back at something I did and say: I made a difference. I know, I know, it's a tired cliche, but if I can't say that, then what's the point? At least for myself, personally, nothing else is quite satisfying.
Now, I'm lucky enough to have two or three things in my life where I *can* say that I've made a difference. I should perhaps remind myself of that more often. But I still feel a need to press on, and I guess until I'm satisfied with what I'm doing with my life, the rest feels kind of empty...
Well, enough of philosophical musings, time to get breakfast.
end and beginning - 2003-03-04
the dogs must be crazy - 2003-03-03
strange thoughts on a train - 2003-02-28
movie madness - 2003-02-26
sense of community - 2003-02-25